dear grandma…(part 2)

thank you for everything….it has been through you that i have been able to see what is truly important…what makes a person great….what makes them stand apart….it has been through you that i have seen the light amongst the dark….it is through you that i have grown into the adult version of “me”…petty concerns have left my life and i attribute that to you and all that you  have shown me…you’re impending death has defined the rest of my life…i will never be able to repay you for what you have given me….but only because you are  on your way to a better place…free from pain, discomfort, and tears….i can promise to carry your love with me forever…to never forget everything you have taught me….to always believe in myself and my talent…. to carry on your name proudly….to work towards my dreams….i love you my lil petunia….you are my heart…you are my inspiration…..you are my hero…..i am you and you are me…..i love you weezer…..

dear friend…

i love you so much….you are so beautiful and wonderful….i love watching your belly grow….i can’t wait until the baby’s here….i know you are going to be an amazing mother….i admire you in so many ways….thank you for your loyalty for the past 16 years….i look forward to making memories with you….to watching the baby grow into a stunning woman….just like her mother…you are one of my heroes…thank you penguin….

xoxo, ang

dear roses…

you stopped blooming a little after my grandma left….i noticed because i’m the one that picks you to put in vases for her…but don’t you worry…she’s coming back…she’s only going to be in the hospital aka nursing home until saturday….i hope…she’s very weak and is mad at us because she thinks this was our choice….if only she would believe us….this was never, ever our choice…dr. hernandez ordered this stay…if only she would look at us…if only, if only, if fucking only….please understand and take comfort in the fact that she will be home soon…and then the house can go back to normal, the balance of the family can be regained. you can bloom again…like you always have throughout the  whole year, which has always seemed odd to me although what the fuck do i  know about you guys….all know is your the flower for june…my birthday month….and you’ve grown in front of my grandma’s house for as long as i can remember….i know nothing is right in the house because weezer aka grandma angie isn’t here…it doesn’t feel right to anyone even audri (our dog..not sure if you’ve met…she’s always in the back…you my lil darlings are in the front)  who sits by the bed waiting for her to get up…only after sitting there for half an hour does she realize weezer’s not there. then she just slouches away….it breaks our hearts she’s not here…so please know she will be home soon..know we miss her too…we know it’s not right….know that i can’t think straight…..know that xanax and red wine have become my friends these past two weeks…..know that i’m ready to torture every single god damned nurse in that home. know that i want to say fuck it and just kidnap my grandma and bring her home….and please at my request…be ready to bloom….just for weezer….thank you…

ang

dear mom,

i know your heart is breaking watching your mom suffer like this, i see it breaking you up a little more each day. i have no clue what you are going through because i can’t comprehend losing you. we have become a good team when it comes to grandma and her daily care. i know your terrified of the day grandma says her last goodbye, and that’s ok. it scares me to see you cry, to watch you watching her. it’s taking a toll on you physically, i’m worried about your health but i’m also so very proud of you. i’m honored to be your daughter, to be turning into you. you are a beautiful woman inside and out. i hope to become half the woman you are someday. thank you for giving all your children strength and guidance, not just  through this time w/ gma but our  whole lives…thank you for always protecting us, thank you for letting us embrace our talents to the fullest, thank you for teaching us how to be good adults with honest hearts. thank you for your laugh…it’s one of a kind. thank you for all of our talks, hugs, and tears.

i love you mama bear….

xoxo,

your first born

dear cancer,

i hate you. i hate your smell. i hate the way you look in someone’s eyes, i hate the idea of you. i wish i could take you and stomp on you the way you have stomped on my grandma angie. i wish i could kill you the way you are killing  my grandma!! i wish it was you in the hospital throwing up blood on FUCKING MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!!! i wish i could destroy you…i wish i could take a knife and jam it in your face, then twist it. oh all dimented things i would do to you to make you suffer…..slowly…..

with much disgust and rage,

angela

to her/him

proof is a powerful entity. people’s lives have depended on it. it has ruined relationships. it can make you questions things you thought were certain. when it’s looking you in the eye & you can’t break free from its gaze, it can be a frightening thing. it can be liberating  when its your ally. some hide from it because it’s easier to believe a situation is as you thought rather than accept you were totally wrong. while  i’m embracing  the truth of the situation, i’m truly relishing in the proof…..it has given me a new beginning. a fresh start, a brighter future free from hostility, jealousy, and anger.

thank you proof….you saved me a headache & gave me a really good laugh…

xoxo, ang

to my unplanned child of the universe

where or where do i begin this one….so many moons have passed since i first saw you glide out of the darkness & onto the stage….how we have come to this exact day i can’t recall…what i can recall is how you have been there for me not only these past few months but this past week…it’s been trying not only because of my grandma but because of the ruthlessness of certain individuals. we both know what they have done & their intentions…but this isn’t about them…this is about you & my gratefulness that you are again in my life…this time to stay i hope…you have become a rock in my life & i’m not too sure how i’ll be able to truly thank you except to be the kind of friend you have been to me….yes i’m learning…yes i’m still growing up…but i will continue to try everyday….thank you for helping me realize the kind of ugly women i don’t need in my life…thank you for helping me see the light when things sometimes seem so dark….thank you for letting me be a part of something you hold sacred  aka the undeniables…thank you for always listening….thank you for always caring…thank you for accepting me….please know i’m always here for you …i look forward to another martini summer….

i love you….

xoxo,

your pygmy owl….

 

p.s. lola will always be with you no matter what….in her heart she will always know who you are…

dear grandma….

as i sit here, in this kitchen…where you taught me to cook, in this house…where i grew up…at 2 in the morning…i hear your machine, your moans from the pain…i want you to know that the last 7 months that i have taken care of you have been nothing but a gift to me. there have been so many laughs and tears you & i have shared through this. i know you are ready to leave this earth…your little body is tired, i know all of this hurts….i want so bad to just hold you and make it better…like you did for me through out my whole life. i hate to see you suffer….but i admire your strength and your fiesty side. i love that you flip people off, that you cuss, that you “don’t take any shit.” i love the many, many qualities that you have….i love your entire being….you have made me grow in ways that i  thought would never happen…i know that the end is near, that the angels are on their way for you..and it hurts, sometimes so bad i can’t breathe….you’re always saying you don’t know what you would do without me….it’s the other way around…what am i going to do without you, i’ve seen you almost everyday of my 31 years…i’m so scared,grandma. i’m scared of your death, your absence, your last moments when i’m forced to say goodbye for the very last time…i’m scared but grateful. grateful for every single minute  i have with you, up until our very last moment together…i love you, my little petunia….thank you…

xoxo….

dear me

you had a rough day…you need a hug, a warm bath, and some tea….people can be mean, thoughtless, and just downright cruel. don’t let those people into your everyday world & life, they are like that for a reason. i can gaurantee those reasons have nothing to do with you . keep  surrounding yourself with those who truly care about you, those who have become your rocks and safe havens. keep working on yourself, your goals, your life. you’ve grown up in the last few months, the change is good. your doing all you can for your grandma angie, everyday. she loves you for it, always carry that with you. you and your grandma have a special bond…you are carrying each other through this journey…her ending, your true beginning…cherish it, and remember it’s ok to cry…everyday if you have to…it’s ok.

i love you, baby!

xoxo, ang

to whom it may concern

i woke up with my head hurting and an alcohol taste in my mouth…..it reminded me of my old life…..my life when it was all about me….a selfish me….it also reminded me i’m no longer her…..thank god!!!

xoxo,

ang